Back in 2018, after a decade of working in TV production, I fell into a rather lengthy period of "Funemployment". …and for those not aware, production work is largely a gig to gig world. With some jobs lasting as long as a couple of years, and others as short as a weekend.
Not having a job sucked. Not only on a practical bill paying level, but it can also take a real toll on your confidence. The more time passes the more this annoying debilitating sense of inadequacy grows. In our society, one’s sense of identity is tied closely to “what you do”.
If you were to come up to a random person on the street and say “Hey, who are you?” they will inevitably tell you their name, their job, their family, their hometown… etc. But none of those things really answer the question. It’s essentially a list of things they have, but not WHO they are.
During this time, in the rare moments I wasn’t looking for work, I was doing a bunch of “stream of consciousness” style writing. Basically opening a blank page and writing whatever comes to mind - I still do this now almost everyday. Something about putting your thoughts in writing, being able to see them, makes it easier to process. It’s like therapy, with yourself as - the therapist.
After submitting what seemed like hundreds, if not thousands of resumes, and not being able to score even a single interview - despite having over a decade of experience, a degree, references, all that crap - this “funemployment” state can start to make one desperate. I found myself in a dark place. It felt borderline hopeless, like I was spinning in some type of hamster wheel of job applications and no calls.
At the same time, I vehemently rejected any suggestions of getting a job in a different industry. Because to me TV was all I knew. It was my whole image and I had a very linear understanding of how I will grow within the TV Corporate Structure.
Eventually, I started to become subtly cognizant of where my mind was kind of separating from my body - as in, my mind knew I just needed to work for income but the physical being (packaged with the ego & self importance), just could not accept losing this “Producer Person” self image I constructed. In reflecting on this, it soon became apparent that I was much more concerned with how I was perceived vs what was actually happening in my life.
After months of fruitless search, I reached the state of - what I like to call, the “Ultimate Mind & Body separation”, by compromising my values and taking a job I always swore I wouldn’t take - Producer for a news show. I shall not name the said show to protect their privacy.
During my initial conversation with the senior producer, who would eventually be my boss, his description of the role honestly sounded nightmare-ish. Long hours, must be available at all times (talking 24/7 … because NEWS baby), will be given stories that need to be turned around within hours to air same day, oh and here is the best part - HALF the pay until we are convinced you are good enough? In fucking NYC!?? Like how??
While interviewing with the producer, I could feel the knot in my stomach tightening. But instead of paying attention to the red flags, I convinced myself this was the right thing to do as it was still TV! With all facts in front of me, I signed on the dotted line. Hopeful.
Truth is, if I didn’t have a spouse with a full time job, there was no way in the world I could have afforded to take that role, but I figured I’ll come in - do a kick ass job and the full salary, and staff position will be mine in no time.
One of the first news stories assigned to me - was about a couple who were driving on a highway, husband was driving, wife in the passenger seat - when a random metal pole flew through the front windshield and decapitated the woman. Yep. Literally Final destination type story on DAY ONE! I was tasked with contacting this poor grieving man, to get him on the news show for an interview. ASAP by the way - ideally before any other reporter could score a story with him.
That was a weird one to process. I went home that day and cried, I didn’t know how in the world I would summon the courage to call this man - and just in general, if this is the first story I am assigned, what am I in for in the long run?
The next day I called him. He was surprisingly nice to me when I called, I thought for sure he would curse me out and hang up the phone - but it seemed more like he was just in this brain fog of what happened. They had been married for about 30 years too.
He was nowhere near ready to talk on camera about this and I didn’t fault him. Of course my boss faulted me for not delivering. News job are not for the weak… or for the overly empathetic. You legitimately have to have the mind and heart of steel to do this work.
I lasted about 6 months, handling and booking many stories of similar nature. Tolerating this bizarre, disconnected, heartless, environment, the 11pm phone calls to my cellphone about work things. On half the salary!
The final straw came when I sat down with Senior Producer for my 6 months review and he said “Yea, you have been doing good, but still not good enough for us to pay you full salary so I think we will do another month or so at half rate until we really know for sure”.
What I wanted to do at that moment, was flip his fucking desk, curse him out, and storm out of the building - but instead I somehow still maintained professionalism, calmly said I am not interested and left. (Kind of regret it honestly, in hindsight I wish I had a more explosive reaction, I had nothing to lose at that point)
I remember, while still at that job, thinking to myself that the universe is laughing at me like “Haha you see you wanted TV job so bad you didn’t even care to uphold your own standards and now look at you!.
I left, and went back to my writing. I realized that no matter how desperate I am for work - I cannot compromise on my basic principles of things I will not do. I also realized how important it was to exist within a physical environment that agrees with my mental state.
Eventually I relented and for a few months, took a reception type job at a family’s accounting office. It honestly turned out better than I thought. It was much less stress, shorter hours, and better pay than I was getting at that News Company. Doing this also gave me a chance to reset, clear my mind, and take a break from “maintaining an image”. Looking back now, it’s the best thing I could have done.
With my newly granted free time, without guilt or endless job search obligations I started writing again. Brainstorming my own creative child. This is when “Mind Embodi” was born.
To me, to "Embodi the Mind", is to create a genuine union of the mental, physical and emotional. within yourself. The way to do this is by being very honest with yourself about what is working and what isn't, and to have the strength to walk away from all that isn't - even it means starting over. Not looking to erase your past, but instead being thankful for how the experiences shaped you to become the person you truly want to be.
Allowing myself to take a few steps back, ultimately helped me to take a big step forward. I got my real estate license and wrote more each day. Then motherhood happened.
Seeing mothers around me and becoming one myself was such an eye opening experience.
Although I left production world, I never lost the Creator Bug within me - I just figured if I want to create content, I have to do it entirely on my own terms.
All this time I was searching high and low for material to create content, but when I stopped searching and just focused on living my life, the material just unfolded before me.
Now I get to grow my real estate business, while continuing to develop my podcast, and it truly feels like a “Mind Embodied” reality.
When I made an intentional effort to unite my mind and body through only involving myself in endeavors that truly fulfilled me - life became brighter and much less problematic.
So next time you find yourself getting that uneasy feeling in your gut, in response to a person or situation, that's your intuition, your inner compass attempting to direct you - listen to it.
Thanks for reading <3
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